Bono's Blog 5/15

I'm glad everyone took so much joy out of my misery last week. Thank you. Yes, my ass is felling significantly better. To address Rochelle's comments, no I won't do stand up comedy at your wedding. I will do sit down comedy though. I think standing up is sooooo cliche. I'll even do it for free. I do have list of conditions though. These all are non-negotiable. I want my own trailer. And I want anybody that wants to meet me to have a special credential that they have to wear around their necks to get to my trailer for a meet and greet session. I love those neck credential things. I've always wanted to have to wear one of those. This is also a way to keep any crazy relatives away from me. Don't tell me you don't have any. Every wedding has them. The cousin that is just out of jail. The aunt with no teeth. The belligerent alcoholic uncle. The slutty niece. Keep them away from me. I watched the video of my Mom and Dad's wedding a few weeks back. The majority of the people there were freakin nuts. I couldn't believe what I was adopted into. I almost drove my self back to Petsmart. Well back to my list. I want a VIP table for Me, my Mama and our closest friends. We must have two personal waitresses. They have to be hot of course. With natural breast. I'm not into the silicon thing. In fact I'm not really into human chicks at all. But female cats make really crappy waitresses. If there is a good game on that day I'll need a plasma screen at my table as well. An open bar is a must. It has to be stocked with the good stuff two. I'm partial to Gray Goose and Patron. If I see a bottle of Smirnoff anywhere near my vodka tonic, I'll walk. If the Chicken Dance is performed, I'm out of there. I do insist that the Macarena is played, at least twice. One of my biggest disappointments in life is that I was born after the Macarena craze. God, I would have loved to be around for that. Next, Clint Holmes must open for Me. I love that guy. Vegas just hasn't been the same since he left. The housing market in this city went to hell after he left Harrah's. I don't think that's a coincidence. Speaking of Vegas acts. I'm disappointed that the Amazing Johnathan is still around. The only thing amazing about that guy is that people pay to watch him pretend to cut off his fingers. Sorry, I strayed again. Ok my final condition is that when I'm nicely buzzed I get to give a slightly inappropriate but yet sentimental and endearing toast. You know. One of those where everybody is kind of looking at each other at first. Asking who the hell let this guy grab the microphone? But by the end they have a tear in their eye and it gets a big ovation. I've always wanted to give a toast like that. So there are my conditions. Let me know when and where.