Bono's Best of Vegas 08

It's that time of year again. Award shows, year end reviews. I love them. So much so I have developed my own. This is the 3rd Annual Bono's Best of Vegas list. Yeah, I know I've only been blogging for about six weeks, but I've been keeping a mental list for three years now. I unveil it to my self in early January every year. No! This is not a rip off of the Las Vegas Review-Journal's Best of Las Vegas. I had the Best of Albuquerque list before I even moved here. Besides the RJ's list really sucks. They are incredibly lazy. For example their best seafood restaurant is Red Lobster. Wow! How long did it take to come up with that one? The best place to get meal under $10 is Applebee's. You have to be kidding me. How many places did they actually sample? If the category was the best place to give you the Hershey squirts, Applebee's might be the winner, but it is certainly not the best place to get a meal under $10. Here is partial list of Bono's Best, my full list is pretty much infinite so if you want know a specific category that is not listed here let me know.

BEST PLACE TO GET A MEAL UNDER $10: CJ'S BAR-B-QUE. It's a new place near Sahara and Jones. You can get a 1/4 pork, brisket or turkey for $4. They give you the bread to make a great sandwich. Hell of alot better than McDonalds or the a fore mentioned Applebee's

BEST PLACE TO GET HAMMERED FOR CHEAP: ELLIS ISLAND CASINO. You can get a beer for like a buck. Try the ribs while you are there. Have your Mace ready while you are walking through the parking lot. This displaced last years winner which was any Martin-Harris construction function. The booze really flows at these things, but they can be difficult to get into. So they are 2nd place this year.

BEST PLACE TO SHOP IN GREEN VALLEY: ANTHROPOLOGY. Did I spell that right? My Mom told me to put that on here.

BEST CRABCAKE: VIC AND ANTHONY'S AT THE GOLDEN NUGGET. Pricey, but they are worth it.

BEST PLACE TO LICK YOUR SELF: BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. You didn't think I was going to keep this list serious, did you?

BEST LOCAL ARTIST:CINDY DEAN. Her link is this page. Check it out. Her husband Terry, also won in the Best Mechanic catagory and Best Dale Earnhardt mustach catagory.

BEST PLACE TO GET LEGAL PORN FROM AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT:THE CORNER OF FLAMINGO AND LAS VEGAS BLVD. I wonder if the people that hand out those little cards have to interview for the position. Do you take a resume with you?

BEST PLACE TO GET CAT TREATS:THE LUSH PUPPY AT MANDALAY BAY. You wouldn't think a place with the word puppy in it would work for cats but it does. If you go there, tell them you know me and ask for the Kitty Kaviar.

BEST PLACE TO GET FREE STARBUCKS COFFEE: FLETCHER JONES MERCEDES. If your in the area in the AM just park in the regular lot. Go to the service building. They have a mini-Starbucks inside. The fru-fru drinks cost money but the regular coffee is free. They don't know your car is not being serviced. They give me coffee and I'm a freakin cat.

BEST PLACE TO STOP TRYING TO REVITALIZE: DOWNTOWN. The place is just a plain dive. It always will be. Can't we just accept it and move on. It seems to me the people down there are perfectly fine with the dankness and smell of urine. Just leave it alone already.

BEST LOCAL ARTIST THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANY ART: JENNIFER GABALDON.

BEST PLACE TO SPOT CELEBS:I DON'T KNOW. If you actually consciously go somewhere to spot celebs you are a loser.

BEST PLACE TO FART WITHOUT ANYBODY NOTICING:DOWNTOWN. See comments on Best Place to stop trying to revitalize. I bet the RJ's list does not have a farting catagory.

BEST PLACE TO TAKE KIDS IF YOU ARE A TOURIST:ORLANDO. If you bring kids to Vegas you are jackass. Am I the only one annoyed by people that are pushing strollers on the strip? Who thinks it a good idea to drag their children through a casino full of smoke, drunks and women showing %90 of their racks? I'm not one to be a moralist but even I have my limits.

BEST PLACE TO HIDE FROM VISITORS:UNDER MY MAMA'S BED.

BEST PLACE TO TAKE FRIENDS AND RELATIVES:BACK TO MCCARREN AIRPORT.

That's all for now. I was going to have a reader's choice poll like the RJ does, but this site only has like three readers so it seemed like an exercise in futility. If anybody has their own favorites please share. Until next time. Bon.

Bono's Blog 1/4

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had as much fun as I did. Myself, Carty and a few buddys really tied one on for New Year's eve. The new picture I posted is me at roughly 4am New Year's day, at least that's what I'm told. I don't really remember. FYI, Patron and Purina Indoor Formula don't mix.......In my last blog I asked Jesus to forgive my language in my blogs. I went back and read them again and figured I better ask for forgiveness for the sexual innuendo, gambling references and the overall judgmental tone included in my previous blogs also.....Now that's out of the way, I'm in the mood for some more of it. You might notice the picture that says "Eat. Drink. Play. Smoke". This is a slogan used by Big Dog's. For those of you not from Vegas, Big Dog's is a Vegas style pub. A Vegas style pub is basically a combination of a bar, restaurant and gambling parlor(mostly video poker). Big Dog's actually has billboards with this saying posted around town. Clearly with a saying like this, the establishment is geared toward men. What gets me about this is how direct it is. There is no subtlety what so ever. It plays toward nearly every vice that males are attracted to. All of the things mentioned in the sign done in excess is dangerous. I wonder if this sign would go over in any other city in America? Although the sign does not appeal to every male desire it's pretty close. If the sign read "Eat. Drink. Play. Smoke. Jerk off and take a nap" then I think it would be complete. If anybody can get a business together that cab pull this off(no pun intended)could really make some cash......I mentioned before that I lost my allowance this month betting on football. Tony Romo is really killing me. I won betting on the Cowboys all year. Then he started dating Jessica Simpson and it all went to hell. First Nick, now Tony. Who will she ruin next? I saw that Justin Timberlake just broke up with Camron Diaz, that's who I would put my money on. If I had any left....Since I brought up football, my dad and Carty were a little down earlier this month because their fantasy football teams lost. I don't play(at least not yet). I use a little more discretion in where I direct my fantasies. However, I watched them close enough to see how addictive fantasy football is. Football in general is great. There are two things the vast majority of men in America are obsessed with. That is football and/or cars. I think if you are an American heterosexual male and you don't love one off these two things you should be put on a terrorist watch list. Seriously. Dick Cheney should be tapping your phones. You have zero business in this country if you don't like one of these two things. I think it should be a federal requirement that all non-gay males should part-off a fantasy football and/or a fantasy NASCAR league. This would cover the entire year with some overlap. Football goes from September to the next February. NASCAR goes from February to November. What's great about this is that you can't fake it. Real football fans and gear heads can spot fakes from a mile away. Leagues would be formed randomly with people in your same city, so potential terrorist cannot form their own league. I would make it a requirement to meet your other league members at least once every 2 weeks. Kind of like AA. If some exchange student named Abu-Musab Hamdan is in your league and he is not hooked within a month or two you'll know he is up to some shenanigans. True American league members will catch this and report him to the authorities immediately. If he does get hooked he'll be spending hours on this crap. A bare minimum of 12 hours of watching football on weekends. Or he'll be refurbishing a '76 Mustang before you know it. He'll be blowing off prayer time at the Mosque on Monday nights. Our former Al-Quida member won't have time to plot any attacks. And he won't want to. He won't want to do anything that might disrupt the NFL season or scare up oil prices for his new gas guzzler. I'm telling you this would work. What about gay terrorist? Free cover at every techno dance club in the USA? Free Home and Garden television? I don't know. Do I have to think of everything?!.....Laters, Bono.


PS. If you are one to those people that tells people "See you next year!" when you are saying goodbye on 12/31 you are an idiot.